Author: vabutsy

Du Temps Perdu

vabutsy poems

In those days
My phone stayed
On vibrate
Even in meetings

I was
More or less
Always on call
For the two old women

So that day
In that meeting
When it vibrated on the table
And the caller ID showed “Mom”
I excused myself
Stepped out the door
And answered

“Mom, is something wrong?”

The excitement shook her voice
Made her breathless
As she spilled forth:

“Wrong? Nothing’s wrong We have a Pope! and he’s a Jesuit from South America and he took the name Francis first Pope ever to take Francis as his name we have a Pope!

A long time ago
In a galaxy far, far away
I was Catholic
Baptized at 3 weeks old
Schooled at
St. Rose di Lima
St. Leo the Great
St. Joseph Academy
Marquette University

But that was long ago
Far away
Long lost
No, not lost
Rejected

When that call came
I was Episcopalian
Catholic Light
Teaching Sunday School
Best friends with my priest’s wife

My mother though
Remained
In my sister’s words
More Catholic than the Pope

So now she interrupted
My work day
With her excitement
Losing years
Losing estrangement
Expecting me to share
Her excitement

Wondrously, I did.
A Jesuit
An American
A Francis

So I took an interest
I followed as he
Rejected palace living
Chose a small car
Rebuked the Curia

I followed and wondered
And felt a breeze
That carried the strawberry scent
Of Vatican II
Of my hopeful youth

But that was long ago
In a Rome far away
As I listened to his rant
Against those who criticize the Church
Friends and relatives of the devil
He called us

And I see Lord Acton
Standing behind Francis’ left shoulder
Sadly shaking his head.

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Sometimes

vabutsy poems

Sometimes my hatred burns so hot
My peace goes up in flames

Sometimes all I want is to reject it all
Throw it out with the trash

Then I remember

Checking if the front door is locked
Isn’t obsessive compulsive

Feeling sad
Isn’t clinical depression

Feeling worried
Isn’t an anxiety disorder

Getting excited
Isn’t manic

Getting angry
Isn’t aggression

Criticizing
Isn’t attacking

Doubting
Isn’t faithless

So, please, God,

Grant me doubts
Rather than never thinking

Grant me criticisms
Rather than acquiescence

Grant me anger
Rather than indifference

Grant me excitement
Rather than ennui

Grant me worry
Rather than complacency

Grant me sadness
Rather than numbness

Grant me checking
Rather than carelessness

And above all

Grant me acceptance
Of myself and others

Grant me love

Prayer on Fasting and Abstinence

vabutsy prayers

My Gracious God,

Creator, Redeemer, Sustainer
Father, Mother, Brother
Protector, Comforter, Friend

When I abstain from food
Help me also to abstain
From judging myself or others
By body image

When I abstain from favorite things
Help me also to abstain
From judging myself or others
By achievements and acquisitions

When I fast, emptying my stomach,
Help me also to empty my thoughts
Of harsh judgments and unkind opinions

When I fast, emptying my stomach,
Help me also to empty my feelings
Of anger and envy, self-loathing and despair

Whether I abstain from food
And favorite preoccupations,
Whether I fast to empty my stomach,
Help me to fill my soul, my spirit, my life
More and more with Your Spirit,
Your Grace, You Wisdom. Amen

Riff on Isaiah 6:1-2a, 3-8

vabutsy Paraphrases

In these years of trouble, I look for our God,
Our gracious Lady Wisdom.
I imagine Her seated on Her high throne,
with the train of Her garment filling Her house,
providing a place of soft comfort and rest for all.

Seraphim are gathered above,
crying one to the other,
“Holy, holy, holy is the Lady of All Wisdom and Peace!
All the earth is filled with Her glory!”
At the sound of that cry, the door opens to all
and the house is filled with sweet fragrance.

Then I boldly say to Her,
“Woe are we who are ignored, abused, cast out!
For priests have judged us unclean, unworthy,
living among a people who are unclean.
Yet our eyes see You, God,
though not as conquering Warrior King, Lord of Armies,
but as enveloping Wisdom Woman, Lady of Peace.”

Then one of the seraphim flies to us,
holding a small lily of the valley
that she had gently plucked from the shade
of our Lady’s garden.

She puts it in our outstretched hands and says,
“See, now that the Lady has given you this flower,
you are outcast no more.
Look on this flower’s gentle beauty
and know that you were never unclean.
Inhale its soft fragrance
and know you were never unworthy.
Consider how it grows and spreads,
even in the shade and poor soil,
and know you are strong and will thrive.

Then I hear the voice of the Lady asking,
“Whom shall I send? Who will dare go for us
To these errant proud priests?”
And the women, my sisters, join hands and cry,
“Here we are! Send us!
For we know how to carry the unseen,
how to speak for the voiceless,
How to love the loveless.
Send us and we will try, together.”

Saturday Morning

vabutsy poems

The unpleasant dream clings insistently
Just behind my eyes
And in clinging
Becomes dread

Dread
That leaks into my empty stomach
Filling it with shapeless weight

Dread
That trickles into my left hip
Beginning a familiar ache there

Dread
That seals my eyes
Shut

When I find the courage
To open my eyes
The pillow next to my head
Is a blurry rock
Beneath unshed tears
While surface pebbles
Scratch my watery whites

I lie suspended in Hamlet’s dilemma
Wishing for waking
Wanting more sleep
My bed cozy but confining
Comforting but uncomfortable

Perhaps, just perhaps
I should have had two not four
Fingers of whiskey last night.

A Woman’s Prayer

vabutsy prayers

The gospel reading today is Mark 5:21-43: the story of the raising of Jarius’ young daughter, with the almost parenthetical story of the healing of the bleeding woman.

Reading this as an older woman, I experience an immense welling up of gratitude that on His way to raise the young to new life, Jesus paused to heal and bless an intrusive, desperate, devalued older woman.

My woman’s prayer:
Continue, please, Lord Jesus, to raise the young to new life and heal the wounds of the old.

Waiting

vabutsy poems

Waiting is not a very popular attitude. Waiting is not something that people think about with great sympathy. In fact, most people consider waiting a waste of time. Perhaps this is because the culture in which we live is basically saying, “Get going! Do something! Show you are able to make a difference! Don’t just sit there and wait!” For many people, waiting is an awful desert between where they are and where they want to go. And people do not like such a place. They want to get out of it by doing something. – Henri Nouwen

I try to imagine a ministry of waiting

I think of Psalm 130:

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I hope;
my soul waits for the Lord
more than those who watch for the morning,
more than those who watch for the morning.
O Israel, hope in the LORD!

I think of my version:

I have to wait, wait with hope for You
But it’s so hard to just wait
Wait through this darkness
Wait through this doubt
Wait through this confusion
Wait for Your light to show me the way
The way, the truth, the life
Wait with hope, and belief in Your steadfast love

I think of waiting through a pregnancy
I think of the hope, the faith
That was such a large part of those nine months

I think of waiting for a diagnosis
The hope and fear, the faith and doubt
Paired daily in the waiting

I think of waiting through treatment
When hope becomes more determined
Doubt denied

I think of waiting without treatment
When hope is no longer in this world
When doubt is only how long

I think of waiting at my husband’s death bed
When waiting was a last opportunity
To offer love in the flesh

I remember reading to him
Cleaning him, rocking him
Crooning to him

And there, there is the model
For a ministry of waiting
Waiting is when we do our part

Waiting is faith’s quiet
Waiting is hope’s peace
Waiting is love’s work