God is my refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble
Even when I don’t know it, can’t recognize it
Therefore, I do not have to fear, though my life changes and changes again
Though the mountain of my faith sinks in the tumultuous seas of my doubts
Though my doubts roar and foam into despair, though my faith trembles
Still, through my life the river of God’s grace flows fresh and sure
Whenever I let myself drown in it, I arise baptized again in gladness
Knowing I am destined for God’s own heaven
God is in the midst of my life and God will not let go of me
God’s help dawns ever new in my life
My world tumbles around me again and again
My sureness in my own self totters
I stumble, I fall, my own earth quakes, my doubts flood me
Then I remember, then I feel it again
God, God almighty, is with me
God, God is with me no less than with my ancestors
Because somehow, by some miracle
I am part of that great cloud of witnesses
So come and see me – me, a work of God
See how God desolates my terrible Ds*
See how God causes all those wars inside me to still to peace
See how God destroys all the weapons that destroy my peace
God commands my internal turmoil, “Be still!
Be still and know that I am God
Exalted among all people; exalted in all your life
Exalted and lifting you with Me above all your troubles
God, God of forever and everyone, God of power, is with me
God is with me no less than with my ancestors
Because somehow, by some miracle
I am part of that great cloud of witnesses. Amen.

*my terrible Ds: doubt, depression, despair, discouragement, dis-ease…

I will laugh, I will clap my hands, I will make noise enough for nations
God, hear my joy; God, know that I rejoice today, tonight in You
You are awesome; Sovereign of my world; Crusher of my doubts
Light to my darkness; Parent to my child; Giver to my needs
Lover to myself, my whole self, even the parts that I don’t love
Ha, God has blessed me and blessed me and blessed me
God is on top of my world; God is Conqueror of my troubles
God is Sovereign and God ENJOYS my singing! Ha! So there
I will sing and sing and sing to my Sovereign and God will smile
I sing because God is Sovereign, God is holy, God is all I need
From my lowest thoughts and troubles to my highest works and loves
From my worst to my best: God is Sovereign, God reigns over all
I belong to God – all of me; I don’t have to disown any of me
God loves me and God is greatly exalted. Amen and Hallelujah!

I begin with the end, for the sheer beauty and joy of it
“For this God is our God for ever and ever;
[S]he will be our guide even to the end.”
The psalmist gets there through imagery that is foreign to me
Zaphon, Mount Zion, Tarshish, the villages of Judah
These I do not know
But I know the praise, I know the assurance, I know the joy
The joy of having a Savior
The assurance that our God conquers evil
The praise of such unfailing might – on our side!
And so, I can echo the psalmist: God makes me secure forever
And then, and then, with the psalmist:
“Within your temple, O God,
We meditate on your unfailing love.
Like your name, O God,
Your praise reaches to the end of the earth;
Your right hand is filled with righteousness.”
I rejoice, I am glad, I tell of your wonders
And so, here I am, back at the end
This is my God forever and ever, my Guide to the end. Amen.

Ah, how many are my parts; “I contain multitudes”
The good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly
The serene, the conflicted, the faithful, the doubt-filled
I want to choose wisdom and understanding
I want to depend on God’s wisdom, to sing my doubts away
So much competes for my attention, so many promises
Promises of happiness, wealth, health, success, nirvana even
I can get myself twisted in knots, trying to discern truth
Until, like jesting Pilate, I wash my hands of it all
Because nothing is worthwhile, nothing truly holds the secret
No practice, no philosophy, no promise, no purpose
Nothing redeems my life, nothing guarantees eternal life
My wisdom will count for nothing, my foolishness will be forgotten
My wealth will not buy life, my poverty will not guarantee goodness
Yoga will not give me youth; prayers will not earn me years
In the end, like all animals, I will die
Death is my shepherd
Wait – wait – Death WAS my shepherd but no longer has to be
“I am the shepherd,” said Jesus
My Christ, my God-Anointed, God-Appointed One
“I am the way, the truth, the life”
Can there be any other answer? Can wealth suffice? Happiness? Wisdom?
Do they last beyond death?
Ah, no, the psalmist reminds us
Humans like animals must die
Nothing accumulated on earth is permanent, all will pass away.
If we are to be more than animals, if we are to survive death
We must look beyond earth. Amen

God, my God, summons me, calls upon me to pay attention
Not just on Sunday, not just for a few minutes of prayer
But all day, every day, from dawn to dawn, God wants me
God wants me to recognize the beauty, the perfection
The perfect beauty of what She has to give
God speaks, but can I hear, even though God speaks mightily
God calls, but do I answer, even though God is my Judge
God asks, but how do I respond to God’s righteousness
What need does God have of my church-going, my prayer-recitals
What can I bring to God that God does not already have
God created the universe, God does not need anything from me
I, on the other hand, need everything from God
If I am to have any righteousness, any holiness, any salvation
Then it will only be as a gift from God, not from my efforts
My only duty is to recognize my helplessness, turn to God
With thanksgiving and praise
Then God will take care of those terrible Ds for me
God will cast them out as Jesus cast out devils
I will laugh and be free because God can do what I cannot
God knows the good and the bad, the worthy and the unworthy of me
God knows the struggle and the quiet, the faith and the doubt of me
God knows the gratitude and the envy, the generosity and the meanness of me
God knows it all and can take care of it all
So I will come, come as one of the faithful
With thanksgiving to honor God, my Lady Wisdom
God who clears my mind and heart of the terrible Ds
God who gives me a clear path to Her
God who saves me. Amen

Blessed, blessed, when I remember others before myself
Let me care for and be one of the so-called weak
Let me rely on God to deliver me from troubles
Let me rely on God to protect and preserve me
Let me rely on God to bless me
Let me remember that God does not abandon me to my fears
Let me remember that God sustains me through all woes
Let me remember that God restores me despite any weakness
Have mercy on me, God, heal me, for I am full of sorrow
I feel deserted, maligned, afraid, cast off, alone
Will anyone notice when I die? Will anyone care?
Whom can I trust? Whom can I turn to?
I know that my friends and family deserve better from me
And yet I feel alone and fearful
As if no one cares, as if everyone thinks I am worthless
As if even my best friends have given up on me
Because I have given up on myself
But may You, God, have mercy on me
Raise me up
Remind me that You are pleased with me
Remind me that no enemy triumphs over You
And You are within me; You uphold me
You set me in Your presence forever
Praise be to God from everlasting to everlasting
Amen and Amen.

What do I know about deer? Only that there are too many of them
They keep getting killed by cars and trucks
But I know about dry and thirsty souls
Feeling that my mind is parched, my soul is shriveled
Was it P, P & M who sang about the woman at the well?
“Jesus met the woman at the well…
She went running, crying, ‘God help me.’”
I’m a woman, dry and thirsty, at Your well of eternal water
God, help me
I can’t say that I cry – even crying is too active
I can’t even say that I am waiting
I’m just kind of hibernating, shriveling, longing
Trying to remember what it felt like to be confident
To feel blessed, under Your protection, Mighty Wisdom Woman,
To join others with songs and shouts of joy and praise
It’s not like it was long ago – there are moments, more than moments
When I live even now within that joy and hope and friendship
But then why do I still get so downcast? Why so parched again?
Why so disturbed within myself? Why so hopeless?
Back and forth I go, between hope and despair, between love and loss
“Deep calls to deep”, the psalmist says
“All Your waves and breakers have swept over me”
Some days I feel You with me, some nights I’m content
Your song and prayer fill my life
Then again I start feeling like You have forgotten me
That there is nothing in my life but mourning and regret
Oppressed by my own doubts, feeling more dead than alive
Questioning, doubting, crying, Where are You, God?
Why do I struggle so, again and again? Why is my peace of mind so fragile?
Give me Your everlasting water, that I may never thirst again
And the psalmist tells me
Put your hope in God for you will yet praise God
God, your Savior. Amen.

I ask You, O God, once again – again and again –
Help me, defend me, save me, here on earth
As You have done for eternity
Save me from deceitful distractions, deliver me from unworthy interests
You are God – mighty over all – so if I can’t depend on You to help me
What hope do I have?
So help me already, I’m tired, weary of walking about as if in mourning,
Weary of feeling as if I am oppressed by an enemy,
When I am my own enemy, always
O God, my God, blind me to the world, blind me with your blazing truth
Let your truth lead me, your beauty guide me
Let me look at the world, let me live my life, as if from atop Your holy hill
As if worshiping always at Your altar
Let me laugh with the joy of Your service; sing with Your praise
(Never mind that I can’t carry a tune; You don’t care so I won’t either)
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, O my soul, stop your grumbling
Stop feeling you need to be something more
Stop regretting you aren’t special, aren’t more talented, aren’t a saint
God wants what you are, not what you are not.
So just put your hope, your faith, your joy, your life in God
Who is Lady Wisdom
Praise God, your help. Amen .

I remember, or try to remember, what You have already done for me, God
How many times You lifted me up out of depression, despair, doubt
Lifted me to the peace of dry land above the floods of my anguish
How many times You freed me from my guilt and discouragement
I didn’t win through by my own marvelous intellect or serene self-confidence or glowing health
You won through for me
It was Your light that dispelled my darkness
Your face that was the day sun driving down the deep night
Help me, help me, help me again, now and always, today and tomorrow
And tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow,
To remember that You are my Sovereign, my God, my Wisdom Woman
Through You, in Your name, I live well
Not necessarily happily but well
No human philosophies, no latest remedies can save me
Only You, Only You, Only You
I will give thanks to Your name forever
I have been feeling abandoned, as though You rejected me
Refused to fight my enemies, gave up on me
Left me in darkness and despair, scattered and shattered my peace
So I disappoint myself and others
All day long my disgrace is before me and shame covers my face
I hide in my bed, on my sofa, in my electronic world
What did I do, what did I fail to do, how am I at fault
Did I decide to turn from You? I don’t think so.
Did I reject You, doubt You
(well, yes, OK, I doubted, but that is nothing new)
Come on, God, You know me
It’s not like my doubts and failings are news to You
So, please, please, please, rouse Yourself. Wake up
Take me back, let Your face be my sun again
Don’t forget me, don’t let me sink into the dust of mysee terrible Ds
Rise up, come to my help
Redeem me, yet again and always, for the sake of Your steadfast love
Amen and Thank You