When God restored my peace
It was like a wonderful dream
I laughed; I shouted my joy
My friends said
God had been good to me
Yes indeed, God had been good to me
We rejoiced
Now, here I am, again, begging, again
Please, God, restore my peace – again
Let my sorrow, my distress be like tears
Tears that water the ground of my soul
Until Your grace and peace grow there again
Until I once again shout out my joy. Amen

Here is what the psalmist reminds me:
Unless God builds my interior castle
I will never succeed in making it secure
Unless God guards the days of my life
I will struggle in vain to find joy
I can spend long days studying myself
I can fill myself with anxiety and worry
Useless and vain, all is vanity
I find rest only in God’s love
These words, my prayers, are my heritage from God
The fruit of God’s birthing in my life
Let my words, my prayers fly like arrows
Like arrows in Katniss’ hands
Straight to God, my Lady Wisdom
These words, these prayers bring me such joy and peace
As they fly from me to God, Wisdom Woman
In these prayers is my security, my safety
My defeat of my terrible Ds*. Amen
______________________________-
My terrible Ds: depression, doubt, darkness, deceit, discouragement, despair…

Joy, joy is mine when I walk with God
When I pray and write, when I pay attention to God
I am happy and it goes well with me
My life is like a vine, like an olive grove, like a garden
Bearing fruit, nourishing me and those I love
Blessing me, when I worship God
God, Mother Wisdom, who guides me
God, Father Creator, who blesses me
God, Brother Savior, who gives me hope
May I see You, worship You, believe in You
All the days of my life
Thank You that I have lived to see my children’s children
God’s peace be with me always. Amen

Often have they attacked me from my youth
My terrible Ds: doubt, depression, discontent, discouragement
Often have they attacked me from my youth
Yet they have not prevailed against me
Thanks to God, they have not prevailed
They have scared me and scarred me
They have tried me and tied me
God, my righteous beautiful Lady Wisdom
God has cut those binding cords
God has turned back those enemies
In God, my fears wither
Until I forget, unless I forget
Unless I go my own way, believing God dead or mythical
Forgetting the reality, forgetting to pray
May the blessing of God be with me
I have victory only in the name of God. Amen

Here I am again, God, crying to You,
Please listen, please help, please have mercy
I have failed again, of course
I smile outside while inside I am angry and disparaging
Disparaging: a new D in my firmament – my dark firmament of Ds
I know You forgive me quicker and more completely than I forgive myself
I know that is a fearfully, delightfully, wonderful thing
But does it help me? Will I be a better friend, mother, sister, daughter, lover
I wait for You, God, I wait and I hope
Right down to the bottom of my soul I wait, and I’ll go on waiting
Through my dark night, through my dark night
Hoping, trusting, believing that the morning of Your light will come
With Your steadfast love, with Your full redemption, with Your saving grace
You will redeem me from all my sins, my faults
I wait, I hope, I pray
I don’t suppose You could hurry it up a bit, could You? Amen.

Psalm 130 – again

Despite my dark doubts and confusion
Once again, I come crying to You, God
Hoping You exist, hoping You will hear me
Hoping You will help me
Because if You don’t, who will, who can
I’m scared, I’m getting everything wrong again
I feel hopeless
Until I remember You, until I hope in You
Until I remember Your forgiveness
Your steadfast love, Your unfailing faithfulness
And so I have to wait, wait with hope for You
But it’s so hard to just wait
Wait through this darkness
Wait through this doubt
Wait through this confusion
Wait for Your light to show me the way
The way, the truth, the life
Wait with hope, and belief in Your steadfast love
Your great power to help me, to save me
Because I am Israel’s daughter and You are my God and Savior. Amen.

Here I am again, God, crying to You,
Please listen, please help, please have mercy
I have failed again, of course
I smile outside while inside I am angry and disparaging
Disparaging: a new D in my firmament – my dark firmament of Ds
I know You forgive me quicker and more completely than I forgive myself
I know that is a fearfully, delightfully, wonderful thing
But does it help me? Will I be a better friend, mother, sister, daughter, lover
I wait for You, God, I wait and I hope
Right down to the bottom of my soul I wait, and I’ll go on waiting
Through my dark night, through my dark night
Hoping, trusting, believing that the morning of Your light will come
With Your steadfast love, with Your full redemption, with Your saving grace
You will redeem me from all my sins, my faults
I wait, I hope, I pray
I don’t suppose You could hurry it up a bit, could You? Amen.
____________________________________________________________________

Psalm 130 – again

Despite my dark doubts and confusion
Once again, I come crying to You, God
Hoping You exist, hoping You will hear me
Hoping You will help me
Because if You don’t, who will, who can
I’m scared, I’m getting everything wrong again
I feel hopeless
Until I remember You, until I hope in You
Until I remember Your forgiveness
Your steadfast love, You unfailing faithfulness
And so I have to wait, wait with hope for You
But it’s so hard to just wait
Wait through this darkness
Wait through this doubt
Wait through this confusion
Wait for Your light to show me the way
The way, the truth, the life
Wait with hope, and belief in Your steadfast love
Your great power to help me, to save me
Because I am Israel and You are my God and Savior. Amen.