Her post
           What is one thing you were taught you needed
           to do or be as a woman or non-binary person
           to be good or worthy or loveable?
Has haunted me
For days now
One thing…one thing
I couldn’t decide

Then I realized

It was never one thing to be
Or one thing to do
It was – always – one thing to avoid
Avoid being “not quite”
And there were millions of ways
To be not quite

Not quiet pretty enough
Not quite obedient enough
Not quite dressed right
Not quite religious enough
Not quite thin enough
Not quite lighthearted enough
Not quite small enough
Not quite careful enough
Not quite serious enough
Not quite ladylike enough
Not quite good enough

Exhausting
And not quite helpful

What is on my heart this morning?

This morning
I put on a sundress
underwear
sandals

Those are on my body

But on my heart?

Always under my heart’s clothes
Are decades of Catholic school
Sacraments and rosaries
Pagan babies and Mary, Queen of the May
Memorized prayers and Latin rituals
A fearful God, harsh Father
Ready to condemn me to everlasting torment
Should I break a rule
And fail to be forgiven
By one of His men

But then
With the swing of a cosmic rolling pin
God struck me down with unearned grace

So I rewrote the psalms
In the image of God, loving Mother
Because now
My heart wears grace as a sundress
Fitting lightly
Flowing comfortably
Whether I run or sit
Stumble or fall

My heart wears love as sandals
Protecting my tenderness
From rocky disappointments
From sticky expectations
From burning falseness

This morning
Lady Wisdom
Is on my heart
And I am grateful.

When they brought their boats to the shore,
they left everything and followed him. Luke 5:11

Peter had a mother-in-law
Who got up to serve them
As soon as Jesus healed her

Presumably he had a wife
Probably children

Did they eat manna from heaven
While Peter fished men for Jesus?

Then those sons of Zebedee
Were their parents old?
Did they depend on their sons’ fishing?

I am too much daughter, wife, mother
Grandmother
To understand this sparse verse

All of my unanswerable questions
About their families
Their quotidian necessities
Must remind me
Not to depend upon answers
To life, the universe, and everything
Before I accept
Before I believe
Before I worship

So there’s this plane,
filled with thugs
in dark clothes,
coming from some city
to kill you.
It’s under investigation.
Go hide
under your bed
with your guns.
Come out only to vote for law and order.

The Spirit scrutinizes everything, even the depths of God. 1 Cor 2:10B
Does the spirit of God scrutinize our depravity
One to another?
When a young woman is murdered in her sleep
By policemen
Does the spirit of God scrutinize her blood soaked sheets?
When a young man is shot seven times in the back
By a policeman
Does the spirit of God scrutinize his screaming children in the back seat?
When a mother drives a 17 year old with his rifle to a neighboring state
To kill people
Does the spirit of God scrutinize her hands on the wheel?
When the President of the United States makes excuses for the 17 year old
Does the spirit of God scrutinize his thoughts?
When I lie awake at night
Too scared for our country to sleep
Does the spirit of God scrutinize the depths of our need?
I long for the comfort of the spirit of God
I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
I wait for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.
Psalm 130:5-6

I walk carefully
Through the phone call
Because the ground shakes
And the path seethes with snakes

There is so little light
More is unseen than seen

I have a flashlight
But fear too much light
Will cause her to stumble
When I want her to walk
On her own

Confident
Knowing herself loved
Cherished
Guided but not led
Helped but not dependent

Through weeds and thorns
Brambles and briars
We have come so far
With so many scratches and bruises

Along the way
We lost sight of each other
We call out
Through the dark
As we stumble shumble on

How much of our rocky path
Cleared before she was born
Does she need to know

If I hand her a machete
Will she use it to clear brush
Or to cut off his head

If I turn her around
How much will she see
Through the years of smog
Through the tears
Through the fears

Will my words be wings
To lift her high
Or tethers
To bring her down

Please, God
Help me help her
This young stranger
Dearer than life
My granddaughter

I am Scribe
Filling myself with Bible trivia

I am Pharisee
So often
With more pride in my faith
Than others’ religion

I am faithless servant
Sure of my own independence

I am foolish woman
Forgetting the balm of forgiveness

I am Israel in the desert
I am Pharoah
I am my own worst enemy

But Good News!
Gospel Truth:

Never
Never never
Never never never
Am I lost
Never forsaken
Never destined for weeping and gnashing of teeth
In the dark outside of grace

Because Jesus
Because love
Because God’s perfection
Is so much greater than my imperfections

And not just me
You too
For
“God is faithful,
and by him you were called”
(1 Cor 1:9)

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, you hypocrites.
You pay tithes of mint and dill and cummin,
and have neglected the weightier things of the law:
judgment and mercy and fidelity.”
Matthew 23: 23-24

The mint spills everywhere
Grows without restraint
Barely domesticated
It is the garden gazelle
Leaping and bounding though my puny plans

I forgot to plant dill this year
How could I forget dill
With its fairy fronds?
We planted cucumbers
We love salmon
And I have to buy dill

Cumin, I have never grown
Though I use garam masala, chili and curry
I read that cumin is of the parsley family
Needs long hot summers to flourish
And is an ancient herb of the Middle East

So I plan next year’s herb garden from a Bible verse
I will grow mint in pots
Plant dill and cumin in my garden

I am in more doubt
About judgment, mercy and fidelity

How should I judge?
Who offer mercy to?
To what need I be faithful?

I barely manage to grow herbs
Somewhat haphazardly
Letting mint run too wild
Forgetting dill
Ignorant of cumin

I feel totally inadequate to dole out
Judgment, mercy and fidelity

How about if we make a deal, God?
I will work on doing a better job of growing herbs
While you work on growing
Wise judgment, sweet mercy and rooted fidelity
In me

Deal?