ponderings

Grains of Sand

vabutsy poems, ponderings

To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour…
William Blake

I.

“Perfect,”
she thought and,
swift as her thought,
she wadded up the bit of paper and
shot it across the table at her brother.
“That’s enough,”
warned their mother,
even as her brother
was wadding up his napkin.

II.

“Maybe”
She turned the piece of wood over in her hands,
considering.
But no.
It really wasn’t good for anything
but burning.
As she threw it onto the pile,
she thought of the bonfire that she would make
some autumn evening.

III.

“Useless”
She scrunched up the remnant in both hands,
for the trash.
But her hands,
paying no attention to her thoughts,
began to fold it.
Sighing,
she opened the old trunk,
already stuffed,
and added the remnant.
“As soon as I throw it away,
I will want it.
And it is so pretty.
Maybe someday it will be
a dress for a grandchild’s doll.”

IV.

“Incredible”
She laughed,
“It’s almost 10:00 and we’re still in bed.
I like being retired.
We’re like teenagers.
Now what would teenagers be doing in bed together?”
Much love and laughter and tenderness later,
“People probably look at us and say,
‘Oh, too bad they met so late in life.
They will have so little time together.’
But I feel like our time is wide and deep,
now and enough.”

V.

“???”
The thought came and slipped away.
A birthday party.
Where was her mother?
Someone asked her,
“Who was your best friend when you were a child?”
The form of the question confused her.
“My best friend is Ethel.”
Another question,
“Did Ethel live near you?”
Again,
she wondered at the form of the question,
“Ethel lives two doors down.”
Ah that thought again,
“I’m 92 today.”

Loving Your Enemies is Easy

vabutsy ponderings

OK, folks, maybe you better sit down because I’m about to disagree with Jesus. (Not that I’m full of myself or anything; after all, He’s just a human being like me — except for that part about Him also being God.)

Anyway, I was thinking of Jesus saying that it’s not good enough to love your friends, even the pagans do that, the real trick, the hard part, is to love your enemies.
 
But then I thought, actually, it’s pretty easy to love your enemies because you don’t expect them to love you back. So you can feel really good about yourself, you can really get into congratulating yourself, that you are following Jesus and loving your enemy, praying for your enemy, not wishing evil on your enemy.
 
The hard part is loving those whom you expect to love you, but they don’t. The hard part is to not keep questioning what you did wrong, what they did wrong, how can they treat you so badly, think of you so poorly. The hard part is to stop those thoughts, stop fantasies of rejecting them right back or rubbing in how much they hurt you. The hard part is to simply go on loving, to turn every thought about them into a prayer of love and thanksgiving for loving them.
 
So I decided to look up the exact verse (since I was pretty sure my version was my usual loose paraphrase). Matthew, in chapter 5 writes, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be children of your Father in heaven.”
 
And Luke, in chapter 6, writes, “But I say to you that listen, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you.”
 
But I went back to Matthew, and there it was, just a couple of verses later in chapter 5: “For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same?”
 
It turns out I wasn’t disagreeing with Jesus, just with the narrow meaning of that word “enemies” — really He was talking about just what I am talking about: loving those who don’t love you back (even when you think they should).

My AHA! Moment This Morning

vabutsy ponderings

Contemplation is not the quiet times of meditation – it is the seeing of God’s love in every ordinary moment of life, in every person, every encounter. Times of quiet meditation are simply the tool some of us choose, the tool that suits some, to help us live a life of active, ongoing, pervasive contemplation.

[I am reading, slowly, Thomas Merton’s New Seeds of Contemplation.]

Aftermath: Charlottesville, 14 August 2017

vabutsy ponderings

Sunday’s Old Testament reading was beautiful: from 1 Kings, chapter 19

Then the word of the LORD came to him, saying, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” He answered, “I have been very zealous for the LORD, the God of hosts; for the Israelites have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword. I alone am left, and they are seeking my life, to take it away.” He said, “Go out and stand on the mountain before the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by.” Now there was a great wind, so strong that it was splitting mountains and breaking rocks in pieces before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of sheer silence. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. Then there came a voice to him that said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” He answered, “I have been very zealous for the LORD, the God of hosts; for the Israelites have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword. I alone am left, and they are seeking my life, to take it away.” Then the LORD said to him, “Go, return on your way to the wilderness of Damascus…

Ah, if only it were that simple.

God came to me, saying, “What are you doing here, Adrienne?” And I answered, “I have been very zealous for justice, for peace, God, but some have forsaken our covenants, our laws, our constitution, they seek to throw down equal rights and kill people. I am old now and I do not know what You want of me.” And God said, “Go out and stand on the front again, for right is confronting wrong, good is facing evil.” Now there was a great confusion, so strong that it was splitting groups and breaking people, and I don’t know if God was in the confusion. And after the confusion there was violence and I don’t know if God was in the violence. And after the violence there was injury and death, and I pray that God was there. But I was not. I was home, in my safe cave, praying. And there came a voice to me that said, “What are you doing here, Adrienne?” And I answered, “I don’t know, oh God, I don’t know anymore, if I ever did. God, I am not worthy, but only say Your Word and my soul will be healed.”

Sunday’s Gospel reading was powerful: from Matthew 14

Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, but by this time the boat, battered by the waves, was far from the land,[d] for the wind was against them. And early in the morning he came walking toward them on the sea. But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, saying, “It is a ghost!” And they cried out in fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them and said, “Take heart, it is I; do not be afraid.” Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat, started walking on the water, and came toward Jesus. But when he noticed the strong wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and caught him, saying to him, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?” When they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

Ah, if only it were that simple.

Where do You want me, God? In the boat, struggling to keep it afloat through the daily turbulence? Walking with You on the stormy seas, braving the dangers and the depths of our depravity to each other? Will You save me when I sink, when my faith fails me?

It seems, for me, youth was the age of many questions and ready answers. Old age is the age of many questions and no answers.

Ah, but didn’t I decide 14 years ago that I did not pray for answers but rather prayer is the answer?

Amen. Shalom. Alleluia. In faith and hope and love

Some Thoughts on Positive Psychology

vabutsy ponderings

As I read about positive psychology*, both the academic and the pop versions, I began to think about the Psalms and how the psalmist turns to God to banish the negative – be it doubts or enemies. And I began to think about what positive psychology should not be and what the psalms can be.

What positive psychology should NOT be for a Christian:
• Needing to be happy always
• Denying the reality of sin and suffering
• Inflating your own credit for everything good that happens
• Withdrawing from the difficulties of life
• Expecting to make ourselves happy in this life without God
• Being sure that we’ve got the answers, that we’re getting things right

Rather, positive psychology should, perhaps, be about recalling that God is the great, unbeatable Positive, defeating all negatives. And so Christian positive psychology is, perhaps, already alive and well in Ignatian spirituality – in the ability to find God in all things.

Five ways to find God in all things (http://www.ignatianspirituality.com/15139/5-ways-to-find-god-in-all-things/)
1. Micro-awareness
2. Journal
3. Do something the “old fashioned” way
4. Listen
5. Say “God is here” (the next time something negative happens to you)

*Martin Seligman https://ppc.sas.upenn.edu/people/martin-ep-seligman;
The Pursuit of Happiness http://www.pursuit-of-happiness.org/

Prison vs Freedom

vabutsy poems, ponderings

Thomas Merton writes that contemplation does not imprison God in our own ideas of Him but “On the contrary, contemplation is carried away by Him into His own realm, His own mystery, and His own freedom.”

When I capture God
In thoughts, in words
In my own understanding
I imprison the Divine
I shrink the Omnipotent
I limit the Limitless

When God captures me
In moments of love
In experiences of wonder
I am freed
I grow beyond my self
I touch the Limitless

The Best Part of Being Older

vabutsy poems, ponderings

I got a big, bright “HI!” from a toddler in the grocery store
And I was reminded of shopping with my own toddlers greeting strangers
And I was thankful for my children.

I bought a bag of Cheetos
And I was reminded of Nancy who also likes Cheetos
Nancy and I renewed our friendship each year at the faculty picnic, over the Cheetos
And I was thankful for Nancy and my friends on the math faculty.

I walked outside and heard thunder
And I was reminded of hiking with Debbie in the Canadian Rockies
We were thankful for cooler weather for the last grueling half mile to the summit
When I looked up and saw Debbie’s hair standing out from her head
And I looked further up and understood why it had cooled off — storm clouds!
We laughed as we raced the storm down the mountain
And I was thankful for Debbie and my mountain adventures.

I deposited a check at the Instant Teller
And I remembered when we didn’t have Instant Tellers
When faxes were the big new thing
When we didn’t have internet
And I was thankful for all the conveniences in my life.

I pulled into our driveway, walked through the yard made beautiful by Woody’s love
And I thought of the more than a decade after Gordon died
And I was thankful for Woody’s love and his generous heart.

I came home to my almost 93 year old mother
And I thought of Ann and Wendy and Carol whose mothers had died
And I was thankful for my mother.

I walked downstairs
And remembered Norma moving in with me
Making bearable that move without Gordon, helping make the new house home
And I was thankful for Norma and for friends helping friends.

I thought of St. Paul
And how easy it is for me now
To pray without ceasing
In a life filled with memories and realities to be thankful for
And I wrote my thanks.

TCOG

vabutsy ponderings

God “is our father; he is father to us all, whatever religion we are. We are all created by God, we are his children.” Mother Teresa

I think I make a mistake when I think of myself as a child of God. Because I think of myself as an ADULT child (much like I am an ACOA – Adult Child of an Alcoholic – I think of myself as an ACOG).

But I suspect it is closer to correct to think of myself as a TCOG – a toddler child of God. Like a toddler, I can cooperate or resist, but I can’t control my own life – and, more often then not, when I try to do so I get myself in trouble. I can control and manipulate my “toys” but for safety, security and all that is essential to my growth and well-being, I must rely on and cooperate with my Parent.

Good Friday 2017

vabutsy poems, ponderings

On a beautiful Good Friday
I quelled impatience
To get on with my own agenda
And helped Mom sort memorabilia
Stripped the bed and washed the bed linens
Went to Lowes with Woody and bought garden flowers
And child gates to keep the dogs off the deck
Visited Betty
Sitting with her as she rambled
Through the past, present and never was
Nipped the heads off spent daffodils
Answered emails, banked online, ran errands
Moved through the mundane
Sometimes conscious of the divine
Moved through the divine
Sometimes conscious that it only seemed mundane