I have navigated the rapids
The tumbling, thrumbling
frothing foaming
raging rapids of reproach:
paddling hard
bladed oar twisting, dipping
first right then left
(You are to blame, I am to blame)

I have twirled
in endless eddies of self-doubt
(I am no good)
Leaning far forward to escape

I have scraped myself raw
on rough rocks of regrets
(I could have, should have done better)

I have bumped thumped
into black boulders of despair
(Nothing again will ever be good)

I have bloodied myself
on half-submerged sharp-edged rage ledges
(You, you, damn you, hurt me)

More than once I capsized
panicked, trapped in my kayak
blinded, I sucked in hard water
until, digging deep
I remembered the hip swing
the precise paddle thrust
I used to roll upright

I have survived my waterfall of grief
when breathless
out of control
I plummeted
through cascades of tears
submerged in mourning
twisting, turning head over if onlys
I breathed the bitter waters of my despair
crashed onto ragged rocks of regrets

Battered, bruised, confused
I had no choice but to retrieve
my fragile tough kayak skin
climb back in and go on

Now I drift through quiet waters
content to let the gentle current
carry me through tree-lined lowlands
soft green shrubs deep brown alluvial soil

My shoulders still ache
My scabs peel sometimes, and bleed
When the sun is hot, I burn
My paddle lies across my lap, ready
The weather could turn stormy
Open waters, strong surf could lie ahead
But for now I drowse and drift
Content to have survived.