How wonderful when my mind dwells with faith on You
Almighty, truly God
How often I yearn for that faith, envy those who have that faith
How often I ask why not me
For goodness sake, because of goodness, in goodness
Those whose lives are simpler than mine
Those who have the gift, the grace of firm faith
They are blessed with easy closeness to You
They live praising you effortlessly
They find strength – not confusion – in their faith
They go through life as through a beautiful valley
Watered by faith, swimming in pools of grace
Even in troubles, they go from strength to strength
Strength of faith, strength in God
While I flounder, drowning in pools of doubt
Hear my prayer – ah, but what is my prayer?
Do I really want You to make me a different me?
Do I really want the assurance of easy faith?
Do I really want to be an anointed one?
Here I am, God, believing – or trying to believe –
That better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere
I read that You are a sun and shield, that You bestow favor and honor
That You withhold no good thing from those whose walk is blameless
But in my mind You remain elusive, You come and go
One day I may spend in the sureness of You, Your existence, Your grace
But a thousand upon a thousand I spend in darkness and doubt
Struggling against all that weighs me down, all the not good things and thoughts
God Almighty, what can I pray today except that You
You who may or may not exist
Bless me as one who trusts in You and doubts You. Amen

A prayer for the restoration of God’s favor

My Sovereign Wisdom Woman, You saved me, You redeemed me
You pardon all my sins
Please and praise
Help me – again – Ruler of my life, to remember that
Help me to live it
Will I forever feel ignored by You?
Will I always lack confidence that You even exist?
Will I never believe what I hope to be true?
When will I simply rejoice in You?
In Your steadfast love despite my fickleness
Rejoice in the certain reality of my salvation
Speak peace to me
Help me be faithful and turn my heart to You
Let Your glory fill my life
Let Your steadfast love and enduring faithfulness
Seal my mind from doubt
Let Your merciful righteousness and sure peace
Kiss away my hurts, my angers
Let Your enduring faithfulness be my foundation
Your merciful righteousness my highest protection
Let Your goodness gentle me, guide me
Show me the way. Amen

On a beautiful, peaceful summer Sunday
All feels quiet and lush, both around me and inside me
It is easy to believe, today, in a great, benevolent God
A God who conquers my fears, my insecurities, my doubts
A God who defeats the “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune”
That constantly war against my peace, my wholeness
On days like today, it is so easy to praise a glorious God
A mighty God, who banishes my terrible Ds
So that none of them can harm me
It is easy to laugh at my doubts, depression, despair
Because today, on this beautiful day when my internal world
Seems simply a continuation of a beautiful natural world
Today, if I look no further than my home
If I think no further than myself
How easy it is to praise an awesome God
A God who defends me, who judges me kindly. Please and Praise
A God who stills my uneasiness
A God who lifts my oppressed spirit
Ah yes, today God seems awesome to me, in my life
God who conquers all
God who is worthy of my praise and my vows
God who is worthy of my gifts, my all
So easy, today, in the peaceful beauty of my home
So easy to echo the psalmist
But how do I keep this internal peace, this faith
When the world around me turns ugly
How do I understand an all powerful God
In the face of such injustice and ugliness
I do not know, so today I will enjoy a Sabbath rest
In the beauty of Your created world – a beauty that includes me. Amen

“I cry aloud to God…that God may hear me”
I am troubled so I seek God, but not for peace but for rebuke
“My soul refuses to be comforted
I think of God and I moan”; I try to pray and I fail.
Please and Praise
I try
Is it You, God, who keeps me restless and troubled
Is it You who keeps me focused on regrets and failures
Is it You would keeps me asking if You exist
And if You do exist, why do You seem not to care for me
Not to help me, not to let me feel, let me know
Your steadfast love, Your promised redemption, Your salvation
Your grace, Your mercy, Your compassion
Why do I feel oppressed by Your demands, Your displeasure
Please, Please, Please – I try to praise
I try to believe that it is me and not You
Who has failed in belief, in love
Help me, please, to remember all the times You have rescued me
Help me to remember all the times of peace I have found in You
Help me to remember and believe Psalm 1
Help me to meditate on Your power, Your might
Your ability to conquer my demons
Help my mind to follow Your holy path
To rejoice in Your greatness
“You are the God who works wonders”
You are MY God, my God who has proven Your power in my life
Time and again
You have redeemed me, not once for all, but over and over again
Saving me from drowning in my doubts
Saving me from the torrents of my despair
Saving me from the arrows of depression
That pierce my peace of mind
Overpowering the whirlwind of my feelings of defeat
Lighting up my darkness with Your faithfulness
That carried me through the raging seas of my doubts
So often I fail to see You, to recognize Your saving grace
Yet always You lead me, gentle my spirit
You give me Your saints
To guide and encourage me. Amen

For seventy-two verses
The psalmist recounts God’s faithfulness
To the unfaithful
God gets angry, She punishes, She casts away
But returns again and again
Her love stronger than anger
Faithful to the unfaithful
Finding the lost, saving the good
Defeating the powerful, discarding the evil
With plagues, She freed Her people from slavery
Opened the closed sea for their safe passage
Closed the open sea against their pursuers
Through the desert She led them
With cloud and fire, miracles and commandments
Despite their doubts and complaints
She quenched their thirst, satisfied their hunger
In the promised land She established them
Preserved them despite their failings
Despite their desertion again and again
Through defeat, even in Her anger, She loved them
After the winnowing, with the remnant, for the good
She established Her sanctuary
Brought Her people back to Jerusalem
And always She gave them
Moses and Miriam, David and Naomi, Jesus and Mary Magdala
All Herself
Shepherding Her people with truth and skill
I am Her people
I am Israel’s daughter
I follow until I wander
I believe until I doubt
I trust until I despair
I love until I become distracted, indifferent
I crave peace until I am hurt, angered
I am satisfied until I am envious
I laugh until I forget joy
I worship until I ignore my blessings
And still, always,
When I have flayed myself into pieces
When I am defeated, discouraged, depressed
When I have forgotten God
She remembers me
She rescues me, believes in me, loves me
She gathers the pieces of me
Saves the good, discards the rest
And brings me back to Her. Amen.

O God, I need help. My worst faults are defying my best efforts
Too often, I feel ruined, defiled, fit for nothing
I try, but I never seem to succeed for long
I feel scattered, drained, used up
Not really living but yet not dead
It feels like the more I try, the more defeated I become
How long, O God?
Won’t You help?
You can do what I can’t, but I do get tired of waiting
What am I waiting for?
Do I expect to wake up one day and be perfect?
All my struggles, all my trials, behind me?
Ah, that would be heaven.
Ha, yes, that would be heaven, only heaven
Never here on earth, never while I live here
But please, forget my failings and help me forget them
At least have compassion and help me have
Faith, Hope, Love
Help me, O God of my salvation,
For the glory of Your name
Deliver me and forgive my sins
For Your name’s sake
Else I am surely defeated
Restore me, free me,
Give me faith in life everlasting
Scatter, at least for a while,
Those faults and failings that preoccupy me
That hold me prisoner, smothering my hope
Restore me, free me,
So that, knowing myself to be Yours,
I can spend my time praising You
Rather than fighting myself. Amen

Renew my faith, oh Conqueror Wisdom Woman
Let Your light conquer my darkness
That I may see that I am saved
Hear me, see me, save me
You are Ruler, Leader, Guide, Savior for everyone
So stir Yourself for me
I know You have saved me – once for all
But knowing is not enough
I want to believe it
Renew my faith, oh Conqueror Wisdom Woman
Let Your light conquer my darkness
That I may see that I am saved
I’m crying here, do You see my tears?
Do You know my fear, my despair?
I am so scared of the worst of me.
Renew my faith, oh Conqueror Wisdom Woman
Let Your light conquer my darkness
That I may see that I am saved
I am baptized, educated in my faith
Bible-reading, devotion-doing, psalm-writing
I pray, I do good works, I care about social justice
I go to church, I go to Bible Study, I read the saints
And still I despair. And still I fail. And still I struggle
Renew my faith, oh Conqueror Wisdom Woman
Let Your light conquer my darkness
That I may see that I am saved
I always expect more from You and from myself, don’t I?
I look to You to defeat my enemies
Not believing that You already have
Like the psalmist, I bargain with You
Conquer my enemies, my fears, my problems
And I will never turn back from You
Give me life and I will call on Your name
How stupid, how foolish of me
To forget that You have already done it!
Renew my faith, oh Conqueror Wisdom Woman
Let Your light conquer my darkness
That I may see that I am saved. Amen

You are not going to leave me to my worst tendencies, now that I am old
Are You, God, my sweet Lady Wisdom?
I have nowhere else to go, no one else to turn to
No one else who can help, who can save me
Only in Your righteousness can I hope for delivery and rescue
Only if You hear my complaints, my need, my anger, my regrets
Only if You become the rock of hope I can cling to
When the flood of negatives sweeps over me, trying to drown me in despair
Only if You become the fortress of peace I can retreat to
Out of reach of the raging, crashing, hurting, killing negatives
The terrible Ds
Rescue me, O my God, from myself, keep me from being unjust and cruel
Be my hope; be all that I trusted, all that I hoped for in my naïve youth
Just three weeks after I was born, I was baptized
Throughout my childhood, I learned of You
I was taught to praise You – and fear You – always
Oh how the nuns loved me then, but not so much later
Until much later – when I was long grown and utterly abandoned
I turned around – my own metanoia – and You were still there
You became, once again, my refuge from grief and hatred
I struggled, I was lost in disappointment, despair, despondency
Until I began to teach Sunday School
I didn’t know what I believed when I started
I just knew that it felt good to be with children
And that, time and again, I found words, I found belief, I found joy
Beyond all expectations
And so You led me back and my days were filled with Your glory
Then Gordon died
And so much stopped for me
Struggle and doubt, depression and darkness
Marked my days again
But You didn’t let me wallow: You sent the Johnsons and Mom and Norma
And others who needed me as I needed them
Now, again, my life has turned: You sent Woody
So now, although I still struggle, I believe You will not be far from me
You hasten to help me (though it doesn’t always seem like hastening)
You deal with my doubt, depression, despair, darkness
You deal with all my death-dealing thoughts and feelings
So I will hope continually – in You
I will praise You yet more and more
I won’t take credit myself but will give You credit
Because my righteousness is only borrowed from You
As You have saved the countless numbers, so You have saved me
And so I will praise Your mighty deeds for me, in me
I will praise Your righteousness, Yours alone
Let me remind You, if I may, that You ensured I learned of You in my youth
You were with me and led me to wonder at Your power and glory
Now that I am old, white-haired, I know that You will not forsake me
You will help me to continue to learn and teach of Your righteousness
From the depths of depression and doubt, You will bring me up again
You will comfort me, protect me, rescue me, save me, once again
And in return? Well, I promise not to try to praise you with the harp or lyre
And although I will sing, it will not necessarily be sweet music
But I will remember, always, that it is You who rescues me
You and You alone who can keep me safe
You and You alone who defeats my own self-defeat
So I will keep writing, keep teaching,
Keep telling of Your righteous help. Amen