Truly God is good to me – and sometimes I even manage to act like I deserve it – act like I am upright and pure in heart
But then, I stumble into doubt, slip into darkness
I stop valuing goodness and peace and start desiring prosperity and power
I want power, success, wealth; I imagine a better body, fewer problems, more self-confidence, more control is what I need to be happy
I fantasize about being better than others, above mundane problems, above heaven and earth
I imagine the praise and adulation I would have from others
They would look to me; their envy would sustain me; my success would quiet my doubts
Otherwise what do I have? What is the good of humility, godliness, innocence? What has it gotten me? What good has come of all my efforts?
No good, no good at all. I cannot quiet my demons, I cannot create my peace
Trying just wears me out
Only in Your house, only in Your grace, only in Your wisdom do I find peace
Only in You do I find the true power that destroys all the false gods that I worship, that I envy, that I think will be the answers I need
I wake to Your grace and my phantom gods disappear and shrink to small ugly things
Here I can do no better than make the psalmist present:
When my soul is embittered, when my heart is pricked with envy
Then I am stupid and ignorant, no better than an unthinking beast
But even then, even when I forget Your love, Your power, Your grace
Even then I am always in Your love, even then You hold onto me
Even then You wait for me to remember, You wait to welcome me back
Again and again
Whom have I in heaven but You? What should I desire but Your peace
All else fails, but You are the strength of my heart forever
Every mean and small part of me, all my terrible Ds, will perish
You will put an end to all my wrong-headedness, my false heartedness
You will keep me close, You will be my refuge, You will open my heart and my mouth to tell of Your power and grace. Amen

Here is the psalm of my distress; here is my nightmare
Where is my peace? Where is my God? Does God exist?
God’s place in my heart, in my life, in my confidence
Is looking pretty damn desolate, destroyed, debased
Where is God’s holy place in my interior castle
Where has that great cloud of witnesses gone
Oh the imagery of the psalm is the imagery of my soul
The imagery of my deepest, darkest fears
My life, my belief, my trust, my faith and my hope
Line by line, verse by verse, this psalm limns my despair
My peace is hacked to anguished restlessness
My faith is hammered to dust
My hope is smashed, shattered
My life is ashes
The worst in me out shouts the best
The darkness in me blinds the light
Why does bitterness not start with a D?
God, oh God, where are You? Are You real?
How am I to go on believing, hoping, trusting
The psalmist has me turn to God’s creation
Seas and streams, night and day, crushed monsters
The psalmist may be impatient but never in doubt
Fearlessly, she calls to her God
Reminding her God of the power and the promise
Bold enough to command God
Do not forget the life of this poor person forever
So I turn to the psalmist
Though my world is dark and full of the violence of disbelief
And I borrow the courage of the psalmist to command God
Rise up in my mind, rise up in my heart, rise up in my spirit
That I may rise again and praise You. Amen

Thank You, God, for the times I feel You near
Thank You for the times I remember all You have done for me
Help me to remember that You will judge me
More fairly, more lovingly, than I judge myself
Help me to remember that it is in You that I find
Peace and security, though my world trembles
Please and Praise
Help me to remember that I cannot help myself
I cannot defeat my demon-enemies
The ones that are of my own making
The ones I carry inside
Not by insight, not by pills, not by counseling
Not by family, not by friends, not by accomplishments
Not even by prayer
Not I but You – You can put down the worst and lift up the best in me
You can poison all that poisons my peace
Then I will be able to rejoice forever
I will be able to sing Your praises, with that great cloud of witnesses
Help me to remember this
In You, all of my wickedness, all of my darkness will disappear
In You, because of You, my righteousness will shine. Amen

HA! This is what I call my singing: making a joyful noise to God
I sing because I love to sing – off-key often, wrong words frequently
But I trust that God hears my singing as praise
As gratitude for Her power to vanquish those enemies
That populate my internal world, those terrible Ds
So that ALL of me can praise God. Please & Praise
Ah, I hope I can remember what God has done for me
Time and time again
When I was drowning in doubt, God dried up my doubt
When I slip in my muddy thoughts and murky feelings
God raises me up to worship
God guards me so that darkness does not swallow me. Please & Praise
So let me bless God, let me go on singing Her praise
God, who has kept me from the death of hope
God, who is not afraid to let me fail, let me wait
God, who infuriates me and refuses to baby me
God, who trusts me to survive all of my own troubles
God, who watches as I am burned by doubt, drowned by depression
God, who waits for me, as I wait for Her
In my spacious space of peace
Let me remember God when I am NOT troubled
Let me remember God when my interior world is peaceful
Let me remember then to praise God
To bring my best to God. Please & Praise
Let me remember to tell myself, often, what God has done for me
What God is
Why I believe, even though I doubt and do not believe
Why I love God, even though I doubt and do not believe
Why I rely on God, even though I doubt and do not believe
Why I trust God, even though I distrust most religion
Blessed be God, who has not rejected me
Or removed Her steadfast love from me
Though I doubt and disbelieve and distrust
Blessed be God. Amen

May God be gracious to me and bless me
May God make Her face to shine upon me. Please & Praise
Oh God, help me to remember Your grace and graciousness
That I might never forget that in You alone do I find salvation
Bring peace and unity, quiet and love to my disordered internal world
That I might praise You wholeheartedly
Let me be glad and sing for joy with and for Your world
Let me remember Your fairness, Your grace
Let me trust You throughout my life. Please & Praise
Bring peace and unity, quiet and love to my disordered internal world
That I might praise You wholeheartedly
You have blessed me even while I am troubled and doubting
You, You, God who is beyond my smallness, have blessed me
Welcoming me, even with my doubts and struggles, into
Your great cloud of witnesses
May You continue to bless me, undeserving though I be
Let me continue to revere You, praise You, thank You
All the days of my life, all the ways of my life. Amen

Let God rise up and scatter my doubts and depression
Let all darkness and despair flee
Evaporate like mist in the sun
Melt like wax in the flame
Let my gladness, my happiness, my joy
Rise up with and to God
Let me sing praises to God
Let me lift up a song into the sky
Because God, my Lady Wisdom, gives me joy
Parent and protector
Provider and freedom fighter
No longer need I be a prisoner of despair
No longer need I live a dry, parched life
God, You lead people out of bondage
God, You keep people safe in the wilderness. Please & Praise
Powerful God, Wisdom God of desert and garden
You save me, time and time again,
Leading me back to faith, to belief, to joy
When You, God, are Ruler of my life
How I love it when my doubts and darkness flee
Disappear in Your power, Your grace
I feel rich, rich in the gold of Your power
The silver of Your grace
Scattering the thought-enemies
The feeling-enemies
Who attack my peace
What do mountains of earthly wealth and power count
Compared to the wealth and power of God’s love
With might, untold unimaginable wisdom
God has conquered the worst of my inner enemies
Has led me to Her own place of refuge
God receives my praise and love
Even those parts of me that struggle
Blessed be the Sovereign God who daily bears me up
God is my salvation. Please and Praise
God is a God of salvation; to God, my Sovereign Lady Wisdom,
I owe my escape from doubt, despair, darkness, defeat
And death. Amen.

Save me, O God, from drowning in my own murky, dark thoughts and fears
I am sinking in that age old slough of despond, under the weight of sin
Sin without number, sin without name, sin separating me from your life-saving buoyant love
Sin drowning me, attacking me, pushing me down, not even my sin
Just general despair at the sinfulness of this world
I feel its hate, I feel its despair, I feel its ugliness
I try to restore what I did not destroy, and I despair, I drown
God, oh God, You know my doubts, You know my conflicts
Am I going to worship You or reject You as myth
Am I going to honor You or forget about You
Am I going for the cynical or the hopeful; the worldly or the spiritual
Am I going to be scornful of my own puny faith
Sometimes I do not know my own mind, my own heart
I laugh at my own faith, doubt my own prayers
I second guess myself and You, O God
Like a drunkard, I wander without clear purpose
I shout and sing when I should quietly listen for You
I know, I know – I have to wait, to wait for Your right time
You will answer me, rescue me, in the abundance of Your steadfast love
You will lift me from the mire of my own doubts, lift me above the deep waters of doubt in which I flounder again and again
“Answer me, O Lady Wisdom, for Your steadfast love is good; according to Your abundant mercy, turn to me. Do not hide Your face from Your servant, for I am in distress – make haste to answer me. Draw near to me, redeem me, set me free” – from my doubts, my second guessing
“I looked for pity, but there was none; for comforters, but I found none.”
I poison my faith with doubts; my inability to be faithful leaves a sour taste in my mouth
It’s up to You, God; You need to destroy these doubts, to keep me faithful
You need to redeem me, save me, help me, comfort me
You need to do it all
“I am lowly and in pain; let Your salvation, O God, protect me.”
I will praise Your name, I will sing, I will give thanks
I long to be a shining example; I want to give hope to the hopeless
I want to have the kind of strong faith that inspires faith
But I am weak, God, and only You are strong
So save me, save us, please
Strengthen me, strengthen us, please
Build me up, build us up, please
So that we can live in Your love and salvation forever. Amen

“Be pleased, O God, to deliver me.” O Wisdom, “make haste to help me!”
End my doubts and confusion; grant me life and peace
Turn away my anger, my humiliation, my disquiet
Before it hurts me, before it destroys me
I envy those who are confident in You
Who rejoice always and are forever glad in their assurance
Of You and Your salvation
Who spend their lives, with no doubts, proclaiming Your greatness
“But I am poor and needy”
So if I am going to have any confidence, any peace
It will have to come from You. Could You hurry a bit, please?
I don’t like to sound impatient, but I really need help
I need a deliverer
And that can only be You. So please don’t delay. Amen

Who are You, God?
A person who answers my prayers?
A rock?
A refuge?
A tower?
A tent?
A winged creature?
My benefactor?
Yhwh, the great I Am Who I AM?
I pray but I’m not sure Who it is I pray to
Someday one image speaks to me, someday another
Someday none
The old images, the old words
I cry out, my heart grows faint
I don’t ask to be queen, to be enthroned forever
But I do ask for peace
I turn to You to heal me of my dissatisfactions with myself
Can a rock, a tower, a tent, a winged creature heal me?
I need a Person who will love me faithfully
Of that Person I will sing forever
That Person I will love forever
Or at least as long as She gives me the power to love and sing.
Amen

The story of my life: contradictions and ephemeral certainties
I call on God as if She existed
I put my life in Her hands, proclaim Her my only certainty
I believe, I believe in the Almighty
Who can rule my unruly heart as completely as the ordered cosmos
But but but
Time and again I feel besieged, lost, bewildered
Resentful, deserted, unsure, foolish, alone
Worthless, defeated, deceived, deadened
Are my tears maudlin or spirit-filled
Is my heart naïve or uplifted
How I wish God would grant me continuing certainty
Here is where I want to live: where I can say every day
My soul finds rest in God, my hope arises from God
God is my rock, my salvation, my fortress, my sure bet, my certainty
I will not be shaken
I know the truth and the truth is God
God is my trustworthy refuge, always
Why can’t I hold onto it? Why do I envy just about everyone
Why does my heart turn again and again to the worthless things
To the dark things, to the trivial, to the vain, to the small and mean
And to top it all off, I can’t even get past the basic contradiction that is God
This God in whom I choose to believe even though I am uncertain of Her existence
Sometimes, when I turn to God, I know Her power and love, Her ability and willingness to keep me in Her peace
And sometimes when I turn to God, I fear Her judgment; I fear that I can never be what She want, what She deserves. Aw, hell. Amen.