Psalm 69

Save me, O God, from drowning in my own murky, dark thoughts and fears
I am sinking in that age old slough of despond, under the weight of sin
Sin without number, sin without name, sin separating me from your life-saving buoyant love
Sin drowning me, attacking me, pushing me down, not even my sin
Just general despair at the sinfulness of this world
I feel its hate, I feel its despair, I feel its ugliness
I try to restore what I did not destroy, and I despair, I drown
God, oh God, You know my doubts, You know my conflicts
Am I going to worship You or reject You as myth
Am I going to honor You or forget about You
Am I going for the cynical or the hopeful; the worldly or the spiritual
Am I going to be scornful of my own puny faith
Sometimes I do not know my own mind, my own heart
I laugh at my own faith, doubt my own prayers
I second guess myself and You, O God
Like a drunkard, I wander without clear purpose
I shout and sing when I should quietly listen for You
I know, I know – I have to wait, to wait for Your right time
You will answer me, rescue me, in the abundance of Your steadfast love
You will lift me from the mire of my own doubts, lift me above the deep waters of doubt in which I flounder again and again
“Answer me, O Yahweh, for Your steadfast love is good; according to Your abundant mercy, turn to me. Do not hide Your face from Your servant, for I am in distress – make haste to answer me. Draw near to me, redeem me, set me free” – from my doubts, my second guessing
“I looked for pity, but there was none; for comforters, but I found none.”
I poison my faith with doubts; my inability to be faithful leaves a sour taste in my mouth
It’s up to You, God; You need to destroy these doubts, to keep me faithful
You need to redeem me, save me, help me, comfort me
You need to do it all
“I am lowly and in pain; let Your salvation, O God, protect me.”
I will praise Your name, I will sing, I will give thanks
I long to be a shining example; I want to give hope to the hopeless
I want to have the kind of strong faith that inspires faith
But I am weak, God, and only You are strong
So save me, save us, please
Strengthen me, strengthen us, please
Build me up, build us up, please
So that we can live in Your love and salvation forever. Amen

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