Psalm 62

The story of my life: contradictions and ephemeral certainties
I call on God as if She existed
I put my life in Her hands, proclaim Her my only certainty
I believe, I believe in the Almighty
Who can rule my unruly heart as completely as the ordered cosmos
But but but
Time and again I feel besieged, lost, bewildered
Resentful, deserted, unsure, foolish, alone
Worthless, defeated, deceived, deadened
Are my tears maudlin or spirit-filled
Is my heart naïve or uplifted
How I wish God would grant me continuing certainty
Here is where I want to live: where I can say every day
My soul finds rest in God, my hope arises from God
God is my rock, my salvation, my fortress, my sure bet, my certainty
I will not be shaken
I know the truth and the truth is God
God is my trustworthy refuge, always
Why can’t I hold onto it? Why do I envy just about everyone
Why does my heart turn again and again to the worthless things
To the dark things, to the trivial, to the vain, to the small and mean
And to top it all off, I can’t even get past the basic contradiction that is God
This God in whom I choose to believe even though I am uncertain of Her existence
Sometimes, when I turn to God, I know Her power and love, Her ability and willingness to keep me in Her peace
And sometimes when I turn to God, I fear Her judgment; I fear that I can never be what She want, what She deserves. Aw, hell. Amen.

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