Heman the Ezrahite speaks for me, cries out
All those thousands of years ago, as I so often cry out now
O Sovereign God of my salvation
When I end my day discouraged, crying to You
Hear me, let my prayer come before you
“For my soul is full of troubles”
I feel like hell
I feel like I am headed for hell
Do You forget anyone?
Have You forgotten me?
Have You cut me off?
Abandoned me to the hell of my own making
In the dark and deep regions of my mind?
Ah, I feel overwhelmed and I fear Your anger
Please help
I don’t even like my own company
I want to rejoice and instead I cry
I want to feel thankful, not sorry for myself
I keep trying, really, God, I do
I try to come to You every day
But sometimes I think my soul is too deadened
And sometimes I think You are dead
Please help
Can I praise You from a dead heart?
Can I live for You if I feel like hell?
Now, this morning, once again, I come crying to You
Don’t abandon me
(Even though sometimes I abandon You)
Don’t give up on me, don’t hide from me
See my desperation, my terror
As darkness closes in over me, as I drown
Hemmed in by my faults
My thoughts are in darkness, although it is dawn. Amen
Psalm 89
Now I will set aside doubt and darkness
And I will sing of Your steadfast love and enduring faithfulness
For a moment, I will let myself feel the eternity
Of Your steadfast love and enduring faithfulness
As if Your promise to be with me forever
Means I will never again feel doubt or darkness or despair
Because You can do that
Because You are greatest, most powerful
What is my darkness to Your light?
My doubt to Your enduring faithfulness?
You quiet my raging fears
You crush my threatening doubt
You scatter my confusion
You created me, all of me
The quiet and the tumult
The faith and the doubt
The confidence and the struggle
The light and the dark
You created all of me
To joyously praise Your name
You are strong, stronger than my best strength
You are steadfast love to my wavering
You are enduring faithfulness to my wandering
You are my happiness
In Your light, I shout for joy
I exalt Your name all day long
I live Your righteousness
For You are my strength, my shield
You are my sovereign
You promised me that I am Yours forever
With You, I am safe, secure
Chosen, anointed, strong
So I thought my doubts and darkness gone forever
I thought my world forever safe
In Your steadfast love and enduring faithfulness
Because You are my Parent, my God
And the Rock of my salvation
In You I have forever victory
In You I have forever peace
In Your steadfast love
You banish my doubts, my darkness
You discipline my heart and mind
You end my struggles
You remain true to me
In Your steadfast love and enduring faithfulness
Once and for all You saved me
Forever, for all eternity
And I thought that meant I would know only peace
Only Your peace that passes understanding
But the doubts return
Discouragement smothers my hope again
My doubts, my despair, my regrets
My sorrows, my failings
Once again plunder my peace
Where is Your steadfast love, Your enduring faithfulness
When I feel abandoned and defeated
Old and tired, trampled and cast aside
When I ask how long
How long, great Lady Wisdom must I keep struggling
How long the darkness
How long the doubt
Has my joy in You died forever?
Where is Your steadfast love, Your enduring faithfulness?
Remember me, great Lady Wisdom, see me, hear me
I know that You have already rescued me
I know that
But I don’t always feel that, I can’t always live that
Sometimes, I cannot sing of Your steadfast love and enduring faithfulness
Sometimes, I am reduced to a single hope
Blessed be God, Lady Wisdom, in my life forever. Amen and Amen
Psalm 90
Creator/Redeemer/Sustainer God, You, You – I keep returning to You
Before I was, before anyone or anything was
You are
From everlasting to everlasting, You are God
In Your time, You will end my life
All my life and more is now to You
Compared to Your eternity, Your Is-ness
My life is grass, growing quickly
Withering just as quickly
I grew up fearing Your anger, Your wrath
Your hate of my sins
Your knowledge of all my secrets and my faults
The psalmist says our life is seventy years
Or perhaps eighty if we are strong
And those years will be spent “under Your wrath”
They will come to an end with a sigh
And in the meantime we will know only toil and trouble
I will soon be seventy
Have I feared You enough?
What does that even mean?
How do I fear You and still know my sure salvation in You?
Where is my wise heart?
Did I understand Your steadfast love in the morning of my life?
Can I find joy now in Your enduring faithfulness for all my days?
With gladness I turn over to You the burden of my faults, my failures
With gladness I admit defeat and rely on Your glorious power
Let the favor of Lady Wisdom, my God, be upon me
And quiet my tumult, preserve my peace
O please, quiet my tumult, preserve my peace. Amen
Sparks of thoughts
Bright trails of burning sparklers
The years behind
How many ahead
Do years bring
[wisdom, forgiveness, charity, gratitude]
Do years soften or harden
[hearts, minds, arteries, beliefs, bodies, souls]
I do not suffer fools gladly
And sometimes I think
Most people are fools
And sometimes I think
I am the biggest fool of all
Aftermath II
The wind is stilled
The earth is quiet
The fire is quenched
I hear the whispered questions
Who will love justice
Who will carry the burden of injustice
Who will know their own failings
Who will walk on troubled waters
Who will reach for My hand
When sinking with the weight of sin
With the exhaustion of trying
With the failure of understanding
Let me recognize
My privilege
My prejudice
My racism
My failures in love
Let me grasp God’s steadfast love for all
And enduring faithfulness to me. Amen
Aftermath: Charlottesville, 14 August 2017
Sunday’s Old Testament reading was beautiful: from 1 Kings, chapter 19
Then the word of the LORD came to him, saying, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” He answered, “I have been very zealous for the LORD, the God of hosts; for the Israelites have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword. I alone am left, and they are seeking my life, to take it away.” He said, “Go out and stand on the mountain before the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by.” Now there was a great wind, so strong that it was splitting mountains and breaking rocks in pieces before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of sheer silence. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. Then there came a voice to him that said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” He answered, “I have been very zealous for the LORD, the God of hosts; for the Israelites have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword. I alone am left, and they are seeking my life, to take it away.” Then the LORD said to him, “Go, return on your way to the wilderness of Damascus…
Ah, if only it were that simple.
God came to me, saying, “What are you doing here, Adrienne?” And I answered, “I have been very zealous for justice, for peace, God, but some have forsaken our covenants, our laws, our constitution, they seek to throw down equal rights and kill people. I am old now and I do not know what You want of me.” And God said, “Go out and stand on the front again, for right is confronting wrong, good is facing evil.” Now there was a great confusion, so strong that it was splitting groups and breaking people, and I don’t know if God was in the confusion. And after the confusion there was violence and I don’t know if God was in the violence. And after the violence there was injury and death, and I pray that God was there. But I was not. I was home, in my safe cave, praying. And there came a voice to me that said, “What are you doing here, Adrienne?” And I answered, “I don’t know, oh God, I don’t know anymore, if I ever did. God, I am not worthy, but only say Your Word and my soul will be healed.”
Sunday’s Gospel reading was powerful: from Matthew 14
Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, but by this time the boat, battered by the waves, was far from the land,[d] for the wind was against them. And early in the morning he came walking toward them on the sea. But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, saying, “It is a ghost!” And they cried out in fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them and said, “Take heart, it is I; do not be afraid.” Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat, started walking on the water, and came toward Jesus. But when he noticed the strong wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and caught him, saying to him, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?” When they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”
Ah, if only it were that simple.
Where do You want me, God? In the boat, struggling to keep it afloat through the daily turbulence? Walking with You on the stormy seas, braving the dangers and the depths of our depravity to each other? Will You save me when I sink, when my faith fails me?
It seems, for me, youth was the age of many questions and ready answers. Old age is the age of many questions and no answers.
Ah, but didn’t I decide 14 years ago that I did not pray for answers but rather prayer is the answer?
Amen. Shalom. Alleluia. In faith and hope and love
Love for Your Sake Alone
“…give me the strength that waits upon You in silence and peace.
Give me humility in which alone is rest,
and deliver me from pride which is the heaviest of burdens.
And possess my whole heart and soul with the simplicity of love.
Occupy my whole life with the one thought and the one desire of love,
that I may love not for the sake of merit, not for the sake of perfection,
not for the sake of virtue, not for the sake of sanctity,
but for You alone.”
Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation
Some Thoughts on Positive Psychology
As I read about positive psychology*, both the academic and the pop versions, I began to think about the Psalms and how the psalmist turns to God to banish the negative – be it doubts or enemies. And I began to think about what positive psychology should not be and what the psalms can be.
What positive psychology should NOT be for a Christian:
• Needing to be happy always
• Denying the reality of sin and suffering
• Inflating your own credit for everything good that happens
• Withdrawing from the difficulties of life
• Expecting to make ourselves happy in this life without God
• Being sure that we’ve got the answers, that we’re getting things right
Rather, positive psychology should, perhaps, be about recalling that God is the great, unbeatable Positive, defeating all negatives. And so Christian positive psychology is, perhaps, already alive and well in Ignatian spirituality – in the ability to find God in all things.
Five ways to find God in all things (http://www.ignatianspirituality.com/15139/5-ways-to-find-god-in-all-things/)
1. Micro-awareness
2. Journal
3. Do something the “old fashioned” way
4. Listen
5. Say “God is here” (the next time something negative happens to you)
*Martin Seligman https://ppc.sas.upenn.edu/people/martin-ep-seligman;
The Pursuit of Happiness http://www.pursuit-of-happiness.org/
Give Peace a Chance
Once I sang in a crowd
Protesting
All we are saying is give peace a chance
Now I pray in private
Protesting
All I am praying is give peace a chance
Butsy's Blog 