Ah, again, God, please – You know well what I need
I am weak but You are strong; I am child but You are God
So deliver me already, bring me back to You
Defend me from my own darkness
The darkness that wants to eat my life, swallow my faith
Always, always, it lies in wait, just beyond my last prayer
When I choose mindless entertainment over thoughtful peace
When I wander in my purpose, my thoughts, my life
When I lie in bed, sleepless at night, reluctant to wake in the morning
When those dark and dangerous Ds overwhelm me
When I feel sorry for myself – what have I done to deserve this?
Don’t I get easy happiness? Don’t I get lasting peace?
Don’t I get to love and be loved?
You are God, aren’t You?
Mighty God of Sarah and Ruth, Esther and Mary
So rouse Yourself and do – again – for me what I cannot do for myself
Night after night, day after day, I feel attacked and deserted
My thoughts taste sour; my feelings sting like nettles
I give up
But You, You never give up. You, You, if I could only remember
Remember to watch for You, go to You
Where is my strength, where is my resolve, where is my memory
Gone, all gone
God, God, God, please, please, please, come
Defeat my darkness with Your light
But let me remember the darkness so that I may know
Know that my only safety is hiding in You
Destroy my lies, destroy my pity, destroy my doubts, destroy my pride
Destroy my despair, destroy my anger, destroy my aloneness
Let me know, now and forever, that You rule over my life
Ah, but I will forget, won’t I? I will descend, again, to the tomb
I will wallow, I will sludge, I will drown, I will moan
And You will have to rescue me again
Once and for all, Hebrews says. You did it once and for all
But for me it is one more time, again and again
After my night, comes Your dawn
You open my eyes to see Your light again
You open my mouth to sing Your song again
You open my life to live Your grace again
You are my strength, I sing praise to You
You are my God, my fortress and my Wisdom Woman
You are God, on You I rely.
Amen.

Old images speak to me of God being elsewhere – anywhere but with me
I may not know the geography, but I know the feeling
I thought You would win all my battles for me, God
Forever, once and for all
I thought You would conquer my enemies, banish them
So that I would be at peace always, living in Your sight, Your light
But, no, oh no, instead I am left to wonder where You have gone
Why You leave me to the merciless mercy of my demons and darkness
Come on, God, if You’re angry with me, get over it
You haven’t given up on me, have You?
Left me to desperation, to drown my sorrows, to truthquakes and night terrors
Save me, help me, let me revel in the light of Your love for me and mine for You
Let me live in landscapes shaped by Your might, Your right, Your love, Your salvation
If not You, then who? If not in Your presence, then where? If not by Your strength and righteousness, then how?
Answer me, I beg You for I am worthless in this battle; alone, I am already defeated
But with You, with You, I will claim victory
I will plant Your peace when You trample the weeds of my mind. Amen

Why do I take pride in the wrong things and think myself better than others?
I fool myself, I tear myself down by such thoughts
I get everything backwards, I value the worthless and throw away the precious
Too easily my thoughts become words, disparaging words, hurtful words, that can’t be unsaid
God, Sovereign Wisdom Woman, You can stop me, You can turn me from such thoughts
You can give me Your righteousness so that I can laugh at myself, appreciate my own absurdity
Do I want to depend upon the strength of money and reputation, both of which can be stolen and destroyed?
Or, like the olive tree, do I want to flourish drawing life and strength from God’s unfailing richness?
From God’s love forever and ever
Do this for me, please God, that I may praise You forever
Hoping always in Your name, trusting always in Your love
Flourishing always in Your goodness, praising You always. Amen.

Sometimes I foolishly stop believing, telling myself there is no god
But then I just seem to sink lower and lower
Thankfully, God is patient, waiting for me to once again turn around
My own repeated metanoia
While I, I go my own way, stumbling blindly forward
Finding goodness harder and harder, more elusive, more uncertain
Will I never learn? Will I ever stop letting doubt devour my peace, my faith?
Here I stand – in all the rich irony of that
Overwhelmed with dread when there is nothing to dread
God scatters my doubt
God turns me around
Oh, that God would keep being God, keep saving me
Keep restoring the fortune of my faith
Let me rejoice and be glad in that certain salvation. Amen.

Save me, O God, by Your name; vindicate me by Your might
Hear my prayer, O God, listen to the words of my mouth
Strange thoughts and fantasies, strange worries and fears
Attack my peace of mind
My life turns from You
Surely You will help me; surely You can turn me back
Banish those unhelpful, negative thoughts and feelings
In Your faithfulness, restore my faith, my peace
Let me live my life honoring You, praising You, giving You credit
For You have delivered me – time and time again – from all my troubles
I can examine my life without fear
Because of Your great power, mercy and love. Amen.

Listen to me, God, don’t ignore me, hear my need and answer it
For I am troubled and uneasy
As always, my negative thoughts – about myself and others
Undermine my peace, give rise to anger, cause me pain
My world turns dark and deadly, I lose joy, I find only discontent
I imagine life would be better, easier, more worthwhile if I were different
If I were some place different, if others changed
I imagine I can outrun my storms
That’s hopeless. I have only one real hope: You, God, You
You are my hope, my salvation
You can bring beauty and peace, order out of chaos
Strength to my interior castle
You can make it worthy of Your throne
The parts of myself that I value most – my intellect, my compassion even
These can turn against me when I use them in pride
When I use them to convince myself I am better than others
Let those tendencies die for they are evil within me
Let me call to You, God, my Lady Wisdom, instead
Admitting my weakness, my powerlessness
Evening, morning and noon, help me to turn to You
To remember that You hear me, You help me, You ransom me unharmed
Though my own thoughts try to defeat me, depress me
God, Almighty Wisdom Woman, You and You alone can help me change
You and You alone can teach me to revere You
Oh, I can tell myself fine stories of my understanding and my superiority
I can smooth over my faults but they are killing me
So I need You, my savior God, to sustain me, to uphold what is best in me
To defeat what is worst, to rid me of all that is not good and helpful for me
I trust You. Amen.